CREDIT: CHARLES BUKOWSKI A KING AMONGST MEN.

Advice:


Dear Charles,

My son Nate wants to be a poet, like you. He’s getting bullied at school due to his sensitive nature. How can I give him the verbal tools he needs to fight back?

Worried Malibu Mom

WMM:

Everyone’s a bully in the dirty dusk light down at Mayday Malone’s. Your tender son’s getting bullied? Tell him to bring a six-pack of tallboy Budweiser into that dank locker room, crack one open like he’s the god damn captain of cock, and take a swig in front of those future used car salesmen.

Dear Charles,

I’m 26-years-old and I still live with my parents. I’m trying to make it in marketing but so far I can only get internships. How can I carve out a more lucrative and fulfilling career?

Young, Unsure Marketer

YUM:

Careers are for women and sociopaths. The only honest way to make a living and still call yourself a man involves a blank piece of lined paper, a ballpoint pen, a tall glass of whisky, and the company of young whores. And a gun to shoot yourself if you ever think of entering the bourgeoisie nightmare factory they call a marketing office ever again. Don’t come here white-knuckled and knee-deep in cold sweat and cowardice and ask me about a career. Put a pen to paper and prove you’re worth the toilet sheets you use to wipe your taint.